Motherhood Means Fears Too

Motherhood Means Fears Too

Mothers always have fears, lots of fears. In fact, we are good at that. I can’t count how many times a day I’m terrified. I thought this would be over soon after the dangerous and clumsy toddler age had passed. But no, it’s not over and will never be.

I should have considered that earlier, shouldn’t I? I did, actually. I knew motherhood was for life. I knew fears would be my constant companions, all the time, everywhere. I knew a little creature and his well-being depended on my vigilance. I thought I was prepared for being a parent. I was.

But why didn’t they tell me it could be so bloody daunting? More than any fear I have ever had. I used to believe spiders would always be the most horrible nightmare in my life. OK, I still find them repellent but I’m not going to discuss my own childish fears right now. 🙂

Children dread thousands of things. Then we grow up and become brave. Mm, try again. We grow up, then have kids and realise that we have been much braver in our childhood. We pretend to be strong (our offspring are supposed to have faith in their parents’ superpower, right?) when we are scared to death. Of millions of things. Yes, it’s definitely worse than it has been in our childhood.

This is the dark face of parenthood. Fears are the other side of the coin and I accept this. I never let them overpower the bliss of having a child. Yet, they are impossible to switch off.

He was a tiny few-week embryo and I was already full of anxiety.

I was worried about his birth.

I was worried right after that. He seemed so fragile to me. And I wanted to be the gentlest touch for him.

I dreaded the huge responsibility that motherhood thrust upon me.

I dreaded his crying because I wasn’t sure I would understand his needs instantly. And wasn’t I the only person in his entire universe to know what he needed?

I dreaded every single vaccination. I dreaded the post-vaccination period even more. I dreaded the possibility of fever, vomiting or skin rashes. I hated when he was in pain and I was unable to relieve his condition. I am a mother. Then, why is there no trace of that superpower, but a few bottles of medicine, instead?!

I feared his first steps because they were so unstable.

I was dying a little inside every time he hurt himself. Why didn’t I react more quickly? I could have prevented him from falling down. I still feel this way. My heart sinks painfully when I see a child hurting themselves.

I feared I might have said something insulting. He is so young, his father and I are his closest friends. We are not supposed to make him sad, are we?

I fear now…

Watch out, my boy! Goodness, how fast he’s riding this bike! Hey, training wheels, why are you there since you’re not slowing it down at all?!

Do I teach him right about the world? About honesty and kindness? About love and respect?

Is he going to become a good person? A generous and noble one just like his father? Or…?

Do I encourage him enough and do I give him the self-confidence I want him to have?

Am I a bad mother because I let him watch Paw Patrol for over an hour while I’m struggling to complete a blog post?

As for blogging, am I wrong because I reveal bits of his childhood without having asked for his permission? One day, when he is old enough to read my stuff, is he going to be disappointed with his mummy because she has shared too much (another mummy is also asking herself similar questions)?

I don’t have the answers…

Well, this is motherhood. It means happiness, pure and boundless. It means fears, too. And every single day I thank my fortune for allowing me to experience both.

 

Life with Baby Kicks

21 thoughts on “Motherhood Means Fears Too

  1. Sarah - Mum & Mor says:

    I think every mother has those sorts of fears. I’m quite an anxious person by nature, so I can relate. I just try to remember I’m doing a great job and that I can only do my best for my daughter. #effitfriday

  2. funkymrsknutts says:

    Lovely post Marina!!! You write so beautifully.
    Motherhood is scary, for multiple reasons as you say, and I’m not sure the worry will ever subside or get easier! What have we signed up for?! 😉
    Gem.xx

  3. Leah Miller says:

    Oh yes, so true!!

    My nearly 12 year old has my heart jumping in my throat as much as the 18 month old!

    Lovely post! Xx

  4. Laura @ Life with Baby Kicks says:

    This is a lovely way to look at it, I have days where I am crippled with fear, days where I’m filled with joy and days where I want to hide. Motherhood is such a rollercoaster – but it’s one you can’t get off! #effitfriday

  5. Kirsty - Motherhoodery says:

    Absolutely! My rocket man is 14 months old and seems to injure himself all the time. I hate seeing little bumps or grazes on his baby-pure skin. He’s always so brave, but I just want to wrap him in bubble wrap. I’ve definitely got more grey hairs! x #SundayBest

    • marinailieva says:

      Oh, a bubble wrap sounds perfect. If it was an option, I would have put one in his baby age haha. 🙂 I guess, it’ s more pain for us rather than for themselves, and yet it hurts badly to see them injured. x

  6. Mrs H says:

    A lovely post and I agree with every word. Being a parent means that you are plagued with fears and doubts. There is so little you can control and it starts from the moment you start trying for a baby. I try so hard not to be fearful. To show them that it is okay to take risks and to fall down. But I wish I could protect them from all that is evil and sad in this world. I am dreading the teenage years. It is such an informative time and so many wrong decisions can be made. I just hope that I can be the strong and supportive mother my children need at that time. Hugs Lucy xxxx #SundayBest

    • marinailieva says:

      Thank you, Lucy! I also fear the teenage years. Another scary period, but just like you, I hope to be a supportive mum. It’s a tough time for both teenagers and their parents, I think. 🙂 xxx

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